Wow

So much going on since last week. I am one tired girl. I had some strange dreams last night. I dreamt I was taking my bedroom door off, when I woke up I was standing at the door holding on to it. How strange. I shake it off, go back to bed. I dream I am calling someone I have my phone ready. I wake up once again and I am holding my phone, luckily no one was called. It was 3:00 a.m. I know I had a lot of other dreams last night, but I am glad I don't remember. What a strange night.

So gma is in the hospital in Portland. Went in for a angiogram, had to get a stint put in the right side. Doc says she is doing fin and in recovery, next thing we know she is being rushed back into the or. Her blood pressure plummeted. The had given her morphine, which lowers your blood pressure, but not like hers was, then she is given nitroglycerin, that just makes shit worse. They finally realize she needs another stint on her left side, damn how did they miss that.

I should not be so bitter, if she had not gone in for a stress test last Wednesday, she could have had a major heart attack by next week. OMG! Not grandma. I am told by my cousin Lolita, who happens to be a nurse, that she is doing ok. I am so happy Lolita is there. She can keep an eye on things. You know when the doc or nurse comes in and tells you all the stuff that is going on, you have no clue what they are talking about, but Lolita does, thank you!

So it is a big day for Richard and I today. Counseling! Oh boy, I am so nervous. He stayed out until 12:30 again. Ever since that moment of waking and wondering my sleep has been very erratic. As you all know by my first paragraph. So...counseling, what to expect? Am I to blame for this big fuckin' mess. Both of us to blame? What is going on in my honey's head. God I love him with my whole soul. I have spent half my life with him. Please let this be the answer to whatever our problem is. If not, man what do I do, what does he do? I have never been on my own, weird. From my parents house to Richards house. Our house!

I am so fucking tired!!! I need sleep, I need to wake up the boys for school. I feel like we need to take a personal day. Why not? Derek has been coughing and snotty. James not so much, but he could use it. Poor thing trying to figure out the craziest math ever. All I have to say is WTF?

Ok, I think I'm done. SLEEP!

Leaving "Normal"

Well, I had it for a few days. Now I'm on the "roller Coaster" again. I woke up this morning ready to do some damage, meaning yelling, screaming my head off.

I was in the land of dark, it was quiet, no one else had woke up yet. I thought maybe I should just chill, have some coffee get on line, do a little surfing and I will be ok when everyone gets up. Well I decided I would get some bills paid, that always makes me feel better, but no such luck there. Major low funds. That pissed me off. One bill, that's all I wanted to pay, one fucking bill. My chill factor was now getting warm.

My boys woke up, which actually made me feel better, they went their first night in their own bedrooms, major milestone! Especially for James, who moved down to the basement. You know that can be very scary:( He did great. So anyway....they are up, I was starting to feel better, then the fighting starts, I can't take the fighting, their screaming at each other, then I start screaming at them. So the chill factor is completely gone. Normal has left the building. I am a mess, I'm crying, they're crying, its a big cry fest. In some circumstances that would help, but not this time.

My mom comes over to our side (let me back up) she came over when I was staring at our bank account. Of course telling me things will be all right. She has done so much for me for us. I just want to be able to fix the problem myself. I will admit it, I need my mom! She is always there just to give me a hug. Sometimes that is all I want.

So now mom is there, the kids are there, I am there somewhere in the mix. Moms trying to fix, I'm just yelling as are the kids. AAARRRGGGG!!!!!!

Thats all for now. I am tired.

10:30 p.m on a Saturday

As most of you know I am a mom, I don't go out a lot. When I do I have a great time. But tonight, it is quiet in my house, I have taken all my meds. The t.v. is on for a little background noise. I am relaxed! What relaxed! I haven't felt like this in awhile. It is wonderful! I just talked to Penny, even shes relaxed. Must be something in the water. Richard is asleep on the couch, nothing new. He falls asleep out there all the time. Until I come out there and turn out the lights and t.v. The boys are still up, but they are next door at g-ma and g-pa's watching a movie.

Things feel normal, I like normal. I was a little worked up this morning. Not a lot of sleep, it can do that to a person. I worked it out, shopped for awhile with the madre. Completely exhausted ourselves.

So hopefully my now normal like life doesn't bore anyone, but I like it this way. I planning one it staying this way for awhile, but plans are known to change. We shall see. Good Night Moon!

On My Way

Been up since 4:00 a.m. today. That's ok, I been getting some laundry done. You know all that boring crap that no one likes to do. I had a lot of energy this morning. It felt wonderful, but I am now starting to go into slow mode!

Last night I had so many emotions going through my head. I am starting to feel so much better, but I am angry and sad at the fact that I had to go through this. Still am going through the through this rough ride. My body seems to do really good up until around 12:00, then everything starts hurting. So I go for the Advil, 4 of them and hope that it works. I have my new med for the fibro, but it really puts me out and I don't want to take it to early in the day. I'd be slobbering all over myself and the kids!! Penny picked the boys up from school, brought one home took one to taekwondo, then brought him home. Thank you so much! Oh and the foot rub was nice, just look out for that one spot! I need Jess to come over and pop my back. I have to say she can give a massage like no one else!!!!

Leaving pretty soon to take the boys to school. I think today will be okay. No anxiety, I keep telling myself that. Hope it works. The power of suggestion!!

OK.... so here I go.

So Far

It is Tuesday night, I am actually not that sleepy. Strange for me. The me that is in bed and cozy by 9:00 p.m.

Was able to take the boys to school again, that feels so good. I also had to go to Petco, which in my bizzaro world is not an easy task. I called my mom while I was there. My heart was skippin' beats and I felt like I had someone sitting on my chest. Damn it, it really pisses me off.

I am at a place now, where I just get pissed off at all this "nonsense". I am so ready for this time in my life to be done with. I want of this scary ride. I am trying to keep my arms in until the ride stops, but I am ready to stick them out and see if I can reach the brake.

I have learned some breathing techniques, but that is all I think I will take from this experience. Wait let me take that back. I learned how much I am loved and how I can fight back the darkness. It has been very difficult, but I am doing it. It is so slow. I believe it will happen again. Of course I don't want it to, but I am sure there will be more storms to brave. If it does happen again, maybe it won't be as bad. And if it is bad, I know I have tons of people to call and not be embarrassed by it. It is not my fault!!!

Now I (we) just wait and see if the meds are going to do their jobs and pull the brake on the ride.

I am sleepy now, going to bed. Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite!

What To Do

1. Get off the phone

2. Text Penny so I can be welcomed to her blog

3. It's 10:30 and I still need to go to sleep

4. If I don't I won't wake in the morn

Power

After the power has been taken away, do everything you can to get it back. When I say power I don't mean the electricity!