Thursday, February 4, 2010
Changes
I was thinking, that maybe I really haven't changed all that much since I got sick. It's still Ang, just with a body that does some strange shit. I still like to go out with my husband, my friends. Have some drinks, some food. Laugh at a good joke, read a good book, cuddle with the one I love. But all I keep hearing is you've changed, you're not the same. You have to do a little bit fhanging when uncountable crap happens to you or someone else. Maybe it is someone else who has changed. Changed so much that they can never be the person that they were. The one who cared, loved, and made sure we were all safe. Whatever the case may be, I will always love, care and make sure you and the ones around us are safe. At least I will try my best damn it, that is the best I have!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
What, When, Where, Why
I tucked the boys into bed tonight sort of. Richard started the process. Anyways, that's not the point.
I went downstairs to tuck in James and he asked me to cuddle with him. So I laid down next to him. What happens? I start crying, to myself, don't want to rattle his cage. Oh my god I started to cry.
I went downstairs to tuck in James and he asked me to cuddle with him. So I laid down next to him. What happens? I start crying, to myself, don't want to rattle his cage. Oh my god I started to cry.
Pain
Rejection, it's a nasty word. Whether it be from the one you love or not getting the job you really want. Hate is also a nasty one as well. I feel hate at the moment, due to rejection. I have always told my children don't use the word hate, it is such a strong word. Very powerful. I don't want to hate, but every inch in my body feels it right now.
Writing helps me let go of the hate and sadness and pain take it's place. I don't like the exchange.
How could I hate you? I've loved you for so long. Damn I sound like some fuckin' 80's love song. Not what I was going for.
All I want is one little touch, just a brush against my hand or arm. Let me know you are still there. You turn your back on me when you get in bed. I notice that too. No more arm around my waist when you crawl in.
Pretend to be ok? What? I am supposed to lie. Change the way my voice sounds, just so you can't tell that I might be in pain that day. He tells me to act like everything is just fine, yet you get to go on being mad. Mad a me and show that you are.
How can I do this? I don't know if I can. I feel your love one day, then the next day resentment, hate and rejection.
Do you remember that night in bed, talking about for better or worse? I do. I told you I meant that. You said you meant it too. Was that just to keep me happy for the moment, until you dropped the bomb.
Why didn't I see it coming? Was I so sure things would be just fine? God, I thought things were great. Yeah, there was the up and down of dealing with all the bullshit we have been through the last year and half. It has been hard, but damn I really thought that with everything and all the years behind us, we would get through it. Who knows maybe we still will, but as of this moment it is nothing but pain, sadness, rejection, loneliness, resentment, hate. I don't want to be here.
You know something I think we have been here before, once, a very long time ago. What makes me so blind?
Writing helps me let go of the hate and sadness and pain take it's place. I don't like the exchange.
How could I hate you? I've loved you for so long. Damn I sound like some fuckin' 80's love song. Not what I was going for.
All I want is one little touch, just a brush against my hand or arm. Let me know you are still there. You turn your back on me when you get in bed. I notice that too. No more arm around my waist when you crawl in.
Pretend to be ok? What? I am supposed to lie. Change the way my voice sounds, just so you can't tell that I might be in pain that day. He tells me to act like everything is just fine, yet you get to go on being mad. Mad a me and show that you are.
How can I do this? I don't know if I can. I feel your love one day, then the next day resentment, hate and rejection.
Do you remember that night in bed, talking about for better or worse? I do. I told you I meant that. You said you meant it too. Was that just to keep me happy for the moment, until you dropped the bomb.
Why didn't I see it coming? Was I so sure things would be just fine? God, I thought things were great. Yeah, there was the up and down of dealing with all the bullshit we have been through the last year and half. It has been hard, but damn I really thought that with everything and all the years behind us, we would get through it. Who knows maybe we still will, but as of this moment it is nothing but pain, sadness, rejection, loneliness, resentment, hate. I don't want to be here.
You know something I think we have been here before, once, a very long time ago. What makes me so blind?
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