Changes

I was thinking, that maybe I really haven't changed all that much since I got sick. It's still Ang, just with a body that does some strange shit. I still like to go out with my husband, my friends. Have some drinks, some food. Laugh at a good joke, read a good book, cuddle with the one I love. But all I keep hearing is you've changed, you're not the same. You have to do a little bit fhanging when uncountable crap happens to you or someone else. Maybe it is someone else who has changed. Changed so much that they can never be the person that they were. The one who cared, loved, and made sure we were all safe. Whatever the case may be, I will always love, care and make sure you and the ones around us are safe. At least I will try my best damn it, that is the best I have!

Blind

I guess I am blind.

What, When, Where, Why

I tucked the boys into bed tonight sort of. Richard started the process. Anyways, that's not the point.

I went downstairs to tuck in James and he asked me to cuddle with him. So I laid down next to him. What happens? I start crying, to myself, don't want to rattle his cage. Oh my god I started to cry.

Pain

Rejection, it's a nasty word. Whether it be from the one you love or not getting the job you really want. Hate is also a nasty one as well. I feel hate at the moment, due to rejection. I have always told my children don't use the word hate, it is such a strong word. Very powerful. I don't want to hate, but every inch in my body feels it right now.

Writing helps me let go of the hate and sadness and pain take it's place. I don't like the exchange.

How could I hate you? I've loved you for so long. Damn I sound like some fuckin' 80's love song. Not what I was going for.

All I want is one little touch, just a brush against my hand or arm. Let me know you are still there. You turn your back on me when you get in bed. I notice that too. No more arm around my waist when you crawl in.

Pretend to be ok? What? I am supposed to lie. Change the way my voice sounds, just so you can't tell that I might be in pain that day. He tells me to act like everything is just fine, yet you get to go on being mad. Mad a me and show that you are.

How can I do this? I don't know if I can. I feel your love one day, then the next day resentment, hate and rejection.

Do you remember that night in bed, talking about for better or worse? I do. I told you I meant that. You said you meant it too. Was that just to keep me happy for the moment, until you dropped the bomb.

Why didn't I see it coming? Was I so sure things would be just fine? God, I thought things were great. Yeah, there was the up and down of dealing with all the bullshit we have been through the last year and half. It has been hard, but damn I really thought that with everything and all the years behind us, we would get through it. Who knows maybe we still will, but as of this moment it is nothing but pain, sadness, rejection, loneliness, resentment, hate. I don't want to be here.

You know something I think we have been here before, once, a very long time ago. What makes me so blind?

Wow

So much going on since last week. I am one tired girl. I had some strange dreams last night. I dreamt I was taking my bedroom door off, when I woke up I was standing at the door holding on to it. How strange. I shake it off, go back to bed. I dream I am calling someone I have my phone ready. I wake up once again and I am holding my phone, luckily no one was called. It was 3:00 a.m. I know I had a lot of other dreams last night, but I am glad I don't remember. What a strange night.

So gma is in the hospital in Portland. Went in for a angiogram, had to get a stint put in the right side. Doc says she is doing fin and in recovery, next thing we know she is being rushed back into the or. Her blood pressure plummeted. The had given her morphine, which lowers your blood pressure, but not like hers was, then she is given nitroglycerin, that just makes shit worse. They finally realize she needs another stint on her left side, damn how did they miss that.

I should not be so bitter, if she had not gone in for a stress test last Wednesday, she could have had a major heart attack by next week. OMG! Not grandma. I am told by my cousin Lolita, who happens to be a nurse, that she is doing ok. I am so happy Lolita is there. She can keep an eye on things. You know when the doc or nurse comes in and tells you all the stuff that is going on, you have no clue what they are talking about, but Lolita does, thank you!

So it is a big day for Richard and I today. Counseling! Oh boy, I am so nervous. He stayed out until 12:30 again. Ever since that moment of waking and wondering my sleep has been very erratic. As you all know by my first paragraph. So...counseling, what to expect? Am I to blame for this big fuckin' mess. Both of us to blame? What is going on in my honey's head. God I love him with my whole soul. I have spent half my life with him. Please let this be the answer to whatever our problem is. If not, man what do I do, what does he do? I have never been on my own, weird. From my parents house to Richards house. Our house!

I am so fucking tired!!! I need sleep, I need to wake up the boys for school. I feel like we need to take a personal day. Why not? Derek has been coughing and snotty. James not so much, but he could use it. Poor thing trying to figure out the craziest math ever. All I have to say is WTF?

Ok, I think I'm done. SLEEP!

Leaving "Normal"

Well, I had it for a few days. Now I'm on the "roller Coaster" again. I woke up this morning ready to do some damage, meaning yelling, screaming my head off.

I was in the land of dark, it was quiet, no one else had woke up yet. I thought maybe I should just chill, have some coffee get on line, do a little surfing and I will be ok when everyone gets up. Well I decided I would get some bills paid, that always makes me feel better, but no such luck there. Major low funds. That pissed me off. One bill, that's all I wanted to pay, one fucking bill. My chill factor was now getting warm.

My boys woke up, which actually made me feel better, they went their first night in their own bedrooms, major milestone! Especially for James, who moved down to the basement. You know that can be very scary:( He did great. So anyway....they are up, I was starting to feel better, then the fighting starts, I can't take the fighting, their screaming at each other, then I start screaming at them. So the chill factor is completely gone. Normal has left the building. I am a mess, I'm crying, they're crying, its a big cry fest. In some circumstances that would help, but not this time.

My mom comes over to our side (let me back up) she came over when I was staring at our bank account. Of course telling me things will be all right. She has done so much for me for us. I just want to be able to fix the problem myself. I will admit it, I need my mom! She is always there just to give me a hug. Sometimes that is all I want.

So now mom is there, the kids are there, I am there somewhere in the mix. Moms trying to fix, I'm just yelling as are the kids. AAARRRGGGG!!!!!!

Thats all for now. I am tired.

10:30 p.m on a Saturday

As most of you know I am a mom, I don't go out a lot. When I do I have a great time. But tonight, it is quiet in my house, I have taken all my meds. The t.v. is on for a little background noise. I am relaxed! What relaxed! I haven't felt like this in awhile. It is wonderful! I just talked to Penny, even shes relaxed. Must be something in the water. Richard is asleep on the couch, nothing new. He falls asleep out there all the time. Until I come out there and turn out the lights and t.v. The boys are still up, but they are next door at g-ma and g-pa's watching a movie.

Things feel normal, I like normal. I was a little worked up this morning. Not a lot of sleep, it can do that to a person. I worked it out, shopped for awhile with the madre. Completely exhausted ourselves.

So hopefully my now normal like life doesn't bore anyone, but I like it this way. I planning one it staying this way for awhile, but plans are known to change. We shall see. Good Night Moon!